The scar inside me is bleeding again. It's painful. It feels so sufforcating. I need someone to hold my hand again . . . I need someone to lead me down the correct path; to love and enjoy me for who I truly am. Why am I like this? Am I always to suffer and keep my feeling deep down inside me? Am I forever to become a domant volcano, ready to explode with the slightest touch? I need love; I need a listening ear. And I need someone to tell me that my dreams will come true, if I work hard for it and hold on to it even with the slightest string attached.
In this time of pain, I read to myself this passage from the Manga Angel Sanctuary:
"You must struggle, suffer even more. But you must never run away.
Even if it is painful, suffocating, you must arise like a phoenix.
When the time comes, you will be even more powerful.
The reason why you feel alone now is because the stars themselves
around you are suffering, hesitating along with you. You will
understand when you grow stronger and realized your surroundings.
You are not alone . . .! Live as you want to live. Ignore the
destiny which torments you.
And in the end laugh in it's face. You can do it. . ."
Zaphikel, AS #2
It seems to lessen the pain but still, there is still a great fire is inside me. It burn strong, ready to consume anything in its path. I just I don't dissect anybody and crush their still beating heart in my palm . . .
I just hope I don't do anymore Self Injury to myself. The scar is not physically there but the pain is. People call what I did as pleasure, most of the time I do it to let my pain flows away with the water. It hurts but it drives away the sorrow. But . . . . I want to stop doing it forever. I'm afraid that it'll become a sin. I'm afraid . . . .
And I just hope my SI don't get physical too much. Today, in a fit of anger toward Catline for her failure to teach us BCE better, I nearly scratch away the skin at the back of my palm. It turn red and I still want it to bleed hard. And tonight why preparing my dinner, I nearly chop away my middle finger with the knife and it doesn't hurt!
Should I go back to what I usual do before I sleep. To let myself "feel" the pain, to let the bullets and laser to run through my body? To allow my bones to break away like they are twigs? I donno . . . I just DON'T KNOW . . .
In this time of pain, I read to myself this passage from the Manga Angel Sanctuary:
"You must struggle, suffer even more. But you must never run away.
Even if it is painful, suffocating, you must arise like a phoenix.
When the time comes, you will be even more powerful.
The reason why you feel alone now is because the stars themselves
around you are suffering, hesitating along with you. You will
understand when you grow stronger and realized your surroundings.
You are not alone . . .! Live as you want to live. Ignore the
destiny which torments you.
And in the end laugh in it's face. You can do it. . ."
Zaphikel, AS #2
It seems to lessen the pain but still, there is still a great fire is inside me. It burn strong, ready to consume anything in its path. I just I don't dissect anybody and crush their still beating heart in my palm . . .
I just hope I don't do anymore Self Injury to myself. The scar is not physically there but the pain is. People call what I did as pleasure, most of the time I do it to let my pain flows away with the water. It hurts but it drives away the sorrow. But . . . . I want to stop doing it forever. I'm afraid that it'll become a sin. I'm afraid . . . .
And I just hope my SI don't get physical too much. Today, in a fit of anger toward Catline for her failure to teach us BCE better, I nearly scratch away the skin at the back of my palm. It turn red and I still want it to bleed hard. And tonight why preparing my dinner, I nearly chop away my middle finger with the knife and it doesn't hurt!
Should I go back to what I usual do before I sleep. To let myself "feel" the pain, to let the bullets and laser to run through my body? To allow my bones to break away like they are twigs? I donno . . . I just DON'T KNOW . . .
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